I'm addicted to anagrams. Like how I get with q-tips, or black tar heroin.

(Highbrow, poetlike qr castration. Dim-witted and goatlike charisma.)

So...these are the results of mixng up some phrases and names...
kudos if you figure out what the original order of the letters were. (Why'd you try to I dunno, Mikeal will though)

(Expenses or thoughtful masteries. Freakish, moody, nauseous dampness. Good! Wintrier, tough heart failure. Fleet street whore. (Though woundedly okay in witty illhumor.)

Each line is an individual phrase anagrammed, not the whole mess.

THE ACLAIM

Lovesick Mate

Maniac Talked

The comical slave

Inane or chastely

Loveliest Anarchy

Conveniently reasonless halo

Enchanter as lovely looniness.

Censorable


And...here's a whole sentence anagrammed? It's broken up into three, but originally one. I guess that's what you'd say..but it's one reason why I've been so happy lately:

God In Heaven! Win naughtily beat. Amiably inelegant zest.

or the shorter explanation of one reason why my day has been amazing:

A fair, manslaying deadener.

And then the other reason:

Wearisome, sneakier, hot know-it-all. Cushion thickish madman.


haha this is retarded, I can't stop.

The reason again, shorter.

Neat chaotic muck.

I have been so selfish with my emotions lately and Mikeal has just listened to me be upset on the phone. Meanwhile he has real problems and is going through such a hard time but as soon as he expresses them or gets upset or stressed or frustrated I just freak out and cry because I've been so sad lately. And so selfish. I can't believe myself. This whole time Mikeal has needed to express how shitty it is being where he is and I just have talked about myself. I feel so selfish now. I'm going to really stop being such a brat and I'm going to support him. I hate myself for acting this way.
Mikeal has been so kind and caring. He's treated me as if I'm so fragile and cared for me so much. He protects me from everything and makes so many sacrifices for me. He'll go hungry to make sure I have enough to eat, he'll face 5 guys twice his size just for making some stupid comment to me, shit he'll give up his freedom for me. That night I got in a fight with him, I said I didn't want him to get locked up so they said one of us has to go and without pausing he stepped up and said, "No, I'm going." With the police he said the cube was his and so much other shit, he is always making HUGE sacrifices for me. He'd do anything for me. I can't express how selfless Mikeal is and how amazing he is. I really want to repay him.
I hope I can,
I hope he puts up with me long enough for me to learn how to be as brave as he is.

He's so amazing and I have so much respect for me. I'm so lucky he likes me. I'm so lucky he thinks I'm pretty and funny, otherwise I don't know where I'd be. In a ditch somewhere I think. He definably gets the raw end of the deal, a girl he sees as funny and pretty. Meanwhile I get a knight in shining armor.

So I was reading a blog where someone posted this picture was discussing what a weird funny site it was to see guys wearing oakleys and dress shirts. Like..so odd, how ridiculous and funny.
This person has OBVIOUSLY never been to App. Because I live across the street from the business major's building and...uh, I don't know, I'll take a picture one day but, really, 70 percent of App does this and it's gross and it's not quirky or funny, it's just...shitty and annoying. 1/3 guys would rape a girl if they could get away with it, according to a survey taken at app state. That's 1/3 of the population of app admits it on a fucking survey. 9/10 girls in my sociology class discussed get drugged with GHB at a party in the past 3 months. I was the 10th girl didn't get drugged...because I don't drink or go to parties.

Anyway, this guys act exactly how they look and they all wear khakis that show off how fat their asses are and pudgey and disgusting, I swear there is nothing more disgusting than a pudgy business major's ass in khakis. It's a sign of their evilness. They get pudgy asses from sitting down and doing nothing while girls get raped. Or from sitting on their ass waiting for the ghb to kick in. grossss.

I'm acting really awful right now.

No one would listen to me in any of my classes today. I kept getting talked over to the point that by my last class I choked up over it until finally I screamed at a girl who was upset at the "justice system" failing because in order for a little girl to get a proper home with a family who loved her, her biological and abusive mother would have to get a plea deal that meant she wouldn't go to jail for being abusive. People were angry because this abusive mother didn't suffer enough. I guess they'd rather the little girl stay in a foster home until her abusive mother got out of jail, and then be returned to the abusive mother to...get abused some more. Atleast then "justice" would be served...?
They were blood thirsty, they wanted revenge, not justice. So I called them out on it and was so sick of being cut off all day that I just yelled and pointed fingers.

Then I get fucked up and curled up in the library and read Lacan and criticism on criticism on criticisms of film criticism and all I came up with was..."Nova was not a mother figure so what was she?" I'm really getting somewhere with this Planet of the Apes paper..

Then I ate sleeping pills and 10 cookies while reading some girl write about how beautiful my boyfriend is and how it's really sad about...and some other no-diving area shallow ass shit about a lost brother. Not her brother that's for fucking sure. And I ate more cookies.

I don't know what's wrong with me today but I'm just acting HORRID. I'm going to turn it into something this weekend...like a mood and theme for the next 3 days. I plan on spending most of them on a fancy back porch smoking and reading Lacan for Dummies (I wish there was such a thing) and find a way to argue that Planet of the Apes is only enjoyable because we are absolutely terrified of it...and we want to fuck her dad and kill our mother.
_________________________________________________________

I just cleaned and put on Mikeal's hoodie and I feel much better now.

My mom got me a new blanket for my bed and I got myself a body sized pillow to put where Mikeal usually is. My bed is so ridiculously comfortable now that I never want to leave it.
I know this is retarded to talk about, but it's a big deal to me.


I miss Mikeal and last time he wasn't around I couldn't stand being in Boone alone but now all because of my bed I like it here...and it helps me get some sleep even though I'm alone.

The photo doesn't do it justice, it's bright lime green and the pillow is bright orange and some purple at the bottom...uh anyway...I'm really weird about this bed.

I saw Mikeal today. He's gorgeous and I adore him and love him and miss him even more now. Sometimes I'd get use to how good he looks and not fully appreciate it but when I havn't seen him in along time then I can realize how amazing he is. So good looking. I have to have his babies cause when ugly people get together with hotties like Mikeal, they end up having really good looking kids. The ugly mate is important though-two hot people can have really ugly babies.
We look so completely different that we should make some good looking little people together.

When Mikeal was a little kid his dad said Mikeal's favorite part of watching tv was the commercials. We both think this is great because of my fascination with advertising and how Mikeal really embraces my capitalist pig side. He appreciates the fact that I'm not afraid of consumerism or any of that stuff. This ability of his to see past his own dirty commie ego was developing when he was a child watching TV.
He's my other. He's a secret capitalist pig and at heart I'm a damn commie, despite how we identify ourselves. We compliment each other perfectly.

I miss him.
I go crazy without him around to rant to. All my stupid thoughts I end up saying to myself in my head and they just kind of bounce around in there and get dumber and dumber. Me, myself and I are bad company. I have no one to sing a single line of Bowie's over and over and over to now.
I walk around campus pumping myself up throughout the day "Mikeal isn't home BUT you're going to be fine. You're going to do this this and this today and you're not going to go crazy"
blahblahblah I don't know, I'm ranting cause...well, Mikeal's not here.

Did you really shave your eyebrows during the ziggy stardust phase, or was it make up?

If you did shave them, how did you get them to grow back?

What kind of fine print was in your contract with the devil?

Who designed your pants during the thin white duke phase?

Exactly how many artists did you reference in the Loving the Alien video?

How do you avoid all the pitfalls of time travel?

What is station to station about? (this is Mikeal's top question, if he wasn't able to ask, I'd ask it for him)

Did you ever win a fist fight as a child?
Did you get a good hit back at the kid who messed up your eye?

And of course,

What's the meaning of life?

Love you dearly, wonderwall.

I miss Mikeal BAD. :(

Soooo....
here are some peectures. There are a lot of different people so look, you might be in one.



( Read more... )

"Do not give up. Do not quit. Courage and determination and perseverance win the game. Do the right thing.

Love, Mom"

I'm so happy I have my family.

Things are gonna suck for the next 2 months at most.
My family is behind me 200 percent with court which is great but court sucks for other things and...whatever, I just keep telling myself one day this is ALL gonna be OVER. If I can't get a job because of my record because of a sugar cube then well fuck me oh well. I told Mikeal the other day if I'm not happy doing the professional business straight person yuppie thing that I wanna do so badly then I swear we'll pack up everything and move to India or Iceland or whereever we want to go and we'll try something completely different. I just wanna try out what my family wants me to do and let them know I'm doing the right thing and respecting their wishes as best I can and....whatever. I want to make them happy first but it doesn't really work like that.

This time tomorrow I'll know what to do
I know it's happened to you




She finds the slinky vagabond
He coughs as he passes her ford mustang, but
Heaven forbid, shell take anything
But the freak, and his type, all for nothing
He misses a step and cuts his hand, but
Showing nothing, he swoops like a song
She cries where have all papas heroes gone?
Have you been an un-american?
Just you and your idol singing falsetto bout
Leather, leather everywhere, and
Not a myth left from the ghetto
well, would you carry a razor
In case, just in case of depression
Sit on your hands on a bus of survivors
You aint a pimp and you aint a hustler
A pimps got a cadi and a lady got a chrysler
Blacks got respect, and whites got his soul train
Mamas got cramps, and look at your hands ache
I heard the news today, oh boy



I must be one in a million
cause I can't pass a day without her
Its too late - to be grateful
Its too late - to be late again
Its too late - to be hateful
The European cannon is here


ahahaha and this one cause Bowie is just...weird. hahaha. I can't say I wouldn't love to dance like the him and get those crazy ass facial expressions.

Writing about my past two days with kittens, gremlins and my boyfriend..and running into an old roommate.
( Read more... )

Here's a big rant about how I've been "talking shit" about my friends. So if you're my friend and I've been talking shit about you...here's what's up..or if you're an old friend who I don't talk to anymore..

a BUNCH of my friends have heard about me talking shit about them. Which really stunned me to find out because...well, I hadn't been talking shit about them. At all. Not even close. I racked my brain trying to think of things I had said that might've been taken the wrong way or out of context and I came up with nothing. But I got the DISTINCT impression that they had all heard this from one person. Or from a person who heard it from this one person..that kind of deal. We'll call them Person G.
Person G was sort of a friend of mine a long while back but never a very close one. She ended up doing a lot of things that bothered me and got involved in a lot of negative vibes.

Eventually, whenever I saw Person G, I made a point to not involve myself.
Person G kept involving my name in drama that I was not really a part of.
Person G tried to send me super nice messages online to get my attention but would still involve me in negative drama so eventually I decided I needed to separate myself. I did this by cutting off communication.
Person G has told people this is because I am on drugs and various other things. Person G does not know me very well and never seems to understand why I really ignore her even though I explained to her why I decided to do this.

Person G talked lots of shit about me to people, mostly not the obvious kinds of shit, but more weird back handed kinds of stuff. Like that I was jealous of Person G's relationship with Boyfriend M or that I was upset about not being able to do drugs with Person G anymore. (Weird because I never did drugs with Person G in the first place)
This still didn't get attention from me.

SO person G decided to start telling my friends that I talked shit about them. Which is weird because Person G has NO WAY of knowing anything I talk about since I avoid her like the plague. Person G wants to get people mad at me and happy with her. She thinks telling people lies about me talking shit will prove her loyalty or something I guess?

She's done this to a couple people.

SO If you've heard I've been talking shit about you, PLEASE talk to me about it, PLEASE judge me based on ME and MY actions and NOT what you hear from people.

WHEN I don't like something someone is doing, I WILL ALWAYS make sure to tell that person as QUICKLY as possible, so we can compromise, apologize, figure things out and fix them or just tell each other our feelings then move on, whatever needs to be done. If this happens so much that I end up not liking a person, I will JUST NOT TALK TO THEM. If I just ignore you completely, I've decided it's best to keep you out of my life.
If I LOVED YOU DEARLY like a sister and have separated myself from you, I STILL will not be talking shit. I will wish you the best when your name comes up. I will not be happy to hear bad news nor will I want to share old stories about negative happenings.
(This "theoretical" ex-bff sister figure (We'll call her Person A) probably shared a really positive time in my life with me and didn't fuck me over completely or do anything super ugly to me and I know that and this is why I don't have any shit to talk about Person A despite not being able to talk to them anymore)

If we're friends, and I havn't told you I'm upset at you, then I'm not running my mouth and talking shit behind your back. It's just not happening. PLEASE don't believe that shit.

I'm SICK of fucking Person G trying to pry into my life anyway they can. I don't know WHY they have to do this. I don't understand what they get out of playing games they learned by watching "Mean Girls" and bullshit like that but I'm completely over it.
I have a pretty lovely life with some heart ache. I have enough happening in my life naturally that I don't need to stir things up anymore. I love having friends in my life who I can respect. I DO spend time with Mikeal talking about people, I'll bring up someone's name and start listing off things I like about them. We "gossip" about people a lot, but by gossiping I mean we talk about positive things. We love loving people and getting to rejoice in how lucky we are to know the interesting, kind people that we do. We laugh and smile and carry on celebrating people we know. WE do not rejoice in tearing people down..strangely enough, it's no where near as fun talking negatively as it is when you're talking positively. We figured this out early on in our relationship and when we start talking negatively we make a point to change the subject.

I DO talk shit though, I talk shit about Person G. Person G KNOWS I don't like them and what I say is not things I made up or things I heard, it's just how Person G has behaved towards me.

Ok if you read all that wow, I'm sorry I went off so bad. I guess it's just really important to me, please read it if you've heard I've been talking shit about you...

Goodnight love you all mean it.

Mikeal made a bunch of calls for me while I was in jail and woke up at 6:30 in the morning for me and he saved me a cigarette when I'm sure he needed one and I just wanted to say it cause he deserves appreciation.

We're distressed over the ridiculousness of things.

I had old groceries in my car, non-alcoholic groceries, not that, just condiments that had spilled and been forgotten. When my car got searched a couple months ago the cops saw some, they knew it wasn't anything because it was on the floor of my car, it was old condiments, all cruded up with a bunch of trash obviously very old gross left over food.
They decided this week to serve a warrent on me for this food and called it a counterfeit controlled substance. Which is a felony. Andddd that's that.

Boone is pretty fucking ridiculous. I'm disgusted that I give my money to this school but I can't transfer because it would set me back in credits and that's too much money for another semester or two or however long but I swear to god when I finish next fall I will never ever come back to this fucking god awful town. Or wilkesboro. Fuck wilkesboro too. They gave me another charge I didn't know existed.

My brother told me if I watched more law and order I wouldn't be in this mess.

I slept on my leg all wrong and it's killlllling me.

I totally got raped in the face yesterday but I'm not worried because I can't do much of anything about it so oh well. And my dad helped me out so I feel safe for the most part as long as I know my family is aware and around.

I hope I can stay in school, I bet I'll be able to, I got in a bunch of trouble with the school a while back and they put me on probation and then the police at the school served me a warrant for stuff that had already been dealt with but instead of going to the grocery store and went to jail and was completely shocked and I'm hoping the school won't be like "well since you got in trouble for something we said was ok we're now going to kick you out" or whatever who knows what will happen but I don't think I'm going to get convicted of a felony (this is a really really dumb felony by the way, something I didn't even know was illegal in the first place and something the cops we're ok with at the time but decided to do something about MONTHS later because?? they must have not filled their quota for the month or some shit)

BUT I'm free this morning and didn't miss any class and everything's cool as of right now because...I just can't imagine becoming a felon over something so small and ridiculous but then again maybe I will and be and it'll fuck up the rest of my life but either way it's too late now and I'm doing what I can and...felons can still own kittens and date Mikeal and hang out with friends so....fuck it. If it does fuck up my whole life I'll die young or something, fuckit I'm gonna eat at cookout or some shit.

Suicidal chicks.


But I watched Batman Returns last night, well the last half of it, and it's always been a dream of mine to go off the deep end in an apartment full of kitties and deal with my sadness by making a black patent leather cat suit.



Andddd for that difficult transition where you hear Transformer by Lou Reed and David Bowie's big hits and you realize you're just not that angry anymore but where do ladies fit in in all of this.


so you decide you're a drag queen.

And I think it's a really fitting video for a lot of reasons on the idea of adolescence which me and Mikeal have been discussing off and on for weeks.
I think so because Mikeal was telling me that David Bowie was inspired by "A Clockwork Orange" to create the charecter Ziggy Stardust.
And yesterday we heard something on NPR about adolescent literature and Holden Caufield came up, and how you know it's a coming of age story blah blah blah duh but what it meant to Mikeal and how it embraced apathy and I was trying to think of what I read that really touched me around that time and place where you're navigating young and a little less young and A Clockwork Orange came to mind as something that really stuck but...I don't think that's really an appropriate book on the subject and the book took on a whole new personal level on Suboxone...but anyway I'm digressing,
so was that really the book that I identify with coming of age and I can't think of any other but I guess I was trying to navigate my anger and I really was off in la la land when I was supposed to be growing up anyway...so yea it is appropriate. Cause of our discussing anger and adolescence and how angry we were and how the calming of that anger is one of the qualities of growing older. Mikeal found apathy as a way to deal and I found moral disgust as a way to deal with my own anger. So I guess that's why Mikeal has ended up with such a free spirit when it comes to this bohemian morality he embraces...and seeks for others to embrace in his older age and I am...desperately seeking some set rules on right and wrong and for people to fucking take responsability for their own actions.

I can't sleep anymore this morning cause I'm so use to waking up early but there is NOTHING to do in the mornings, especially when I've already cleaned everything.

Mikeal doesn't mind that I like Leslie Gore and the Carpenters and the Funny Girl soundtrack when I'm feeling really crappy and yesterday we found this..performancekareoke? video and....if our FUZZzZzZzZzZZzzZZZZzzz band doesn't work out quite right, well, we'd really like to look like the Carpenters while performing, all incestous brother/sister big nuclear smiles...
Mikeal this is for you..



Karen Carpenter is SUCH A CREEP, she's really got that weird scared, defeated empty evil look in her eyes that my mom goes when she pauses in the middle of a sentence...something must've happened to mentally ill women in the 60's.

And her brother, god her brother, I don't know what to say about his look, but maybe he was a woman in a Joyce Carol Oates kind of way in a past life and it really came back to his when he realized he was in love with his anorexic sister who was simpley too fat and MUST. STOP. EATING.

Come back to me again...and play your sad guitar.

I really like how sonic youth does it but I can't put up that video.

"When a girl's incidentals
Are no bigger than two lentils
Then to me that doesn't spell success."
I can't find the one song I'm dying for mikeal to hear but oh well...
"'Cause if a girl isn't pretty
Like a Miss Atlantic City,
She's a real Miss Nobody, U.S.A."

Funny Girl, don't watch it, it warps you for life.

The B-52s, The Warlocks, Motorhead and Kid Congo are all coming in august...well I think Kid Congo might be later on but...

I think I'm going to work a pole or some shit during my summer break because I will not miss Kid Congo or The Warlocks nor the b-52s if I can help it..

I wish the clubs wouldn't mind me working one fucking night every couple months. :( then this plan really would work...

It might be time to pawn my tv and vcr to go see the Warlocks.



cause...they shake shake shake the dope out and...appreciate the shits if not the giggles.

I had horrendous nightmares all night where I just kept hitting and hitting and hitting people like some sort of videogame because things were going so disgustingly that I didn't have any answer except to beat the hell out of everyone for what was going on and there were cats bread to have fancy silk on their furr and things like that, it was really beyond sick in everyway.

I'm so glad the nights over, but I'm completely exhausted and don't want to get dressed or participate in life anymore today, I'm way too tired.

I completely feel like it's me against the world and I hate that feeling and it's all because of nightmares.

and my calf got pinched and it genuinely hurts this morning like I ran a mile yesterday or something.

Today is ridiculous and I have like...4 hours of complete uncertainty then everything will be settled and I won't be able to stress anymore because it will all be decided. SO I just have to get through the longest four hours then I don't know what I'll be doing. Throwing everything in my car and driving probably because that's the only way I know how to deal with big decisions that arn't mine.

I was sick all week and I hated it but I kind of wish I could be sick right now so I could sleep through 4 hours like I slept through the past 7. Instead I'll be giving a speech which is MY LEAST FAVORITE ACTIVITY, I am petrified of public speaking and I'll be doing it while petrified of life.

I can't stop blushing right now.